Get a Clue

POSTER: Shan

Alright, don't get me wrong, I love the guys I hang with, in a non-creepy, non-committal kind of way of course. I even don't mind the guys I'm not actually friends with, but have to see on a regular basis.....but some people need a clue, really. For one, just because I have breasts and a vagina does NOT mean I'll sleep with you. I don't get the guys that walk up to a woman and start hitting on her, not casually flirting, but really laying it on, and not in a bar or anything, but on a college campus or while I'm working at fuckin Shit's. For those of you who think it's a good idea to hit on a woman, and be crude about it, when she's trying to go to class, walking down the street, or is stocking a box of Jim Bean.........take a few lessons from me:

1.)Do not start the conversation with "How old are you?" Just don't do it dick weed. Do you have an idea how annoying it is for your first question to be asked ONLY for the purpose of finding out if we're jail bait or not? How would you like it if some cougar walked up to you and asked, "Are you legal?" It's the same concept because we know it means the same thing.

2.)Do not start the conversation with "Do you have a boyfriend?", because to a woman, that says, "Can I fuck you without getting my teeth punched in?" It makes us feel like objects and any woman with an ounce of self respect will turn you down right there.

3.)Do Not start the conversation with a crude remark about how hott she is, or how cute an ass she's got, or how you wanna bang her. I mean, honestly, what makes you think that'll work? Complementing us is fine, it's great even, just don't be crass about it. Tell us you like some piece of jewelry we're wearing, or that we've got a cute outfit on, or a pretty smile, but don't go "OMG, Your HOT!"

4.)Standing close to someone when you're trying to pick them up or get a number is understandable, but realize that just because you want to be close enough to smell what she had for breakfast, doesn't mean she wants you that close. Also, watch her body language dumb ass, if she steps back or looks uncomfortable, give her room, don't get closer.

5.)Also, touching is BAD! Unless you're getting the come hither smile and she's leaning in towards you, don't fuckin' try to touch her. And if you do try to touch her when she's not making it painfully obvious that thats ok, then I hope she's a black belt and kicks you in the nuts so hard that you choke on 'em. But mostly, remember, NORMAL women don't want to be grabbed or pinned to a wall by a complete stranger, it's not as sexy as in the movies. Plus, can you say "Sexual harrassment lawsuit" or "Sexual assault?" I can.

Then there's the whole thing about guys who are "just friends" and either don't get the signals women are sending them, or are sending weird signals themselves. I don't have any advice for this other than just sitting down with your friend and being prepared to speak openly and be aware of the risks of that conversation. You can loose a good friend by making a point out of wanting to change your relationship when they either don't want to, or just aren't ready yet. That's not to say you shouldn't try. I'm just saying, know your friend and think about whether they'll be ok with how you feel if they don't want a relationship, and think about if you'll be alright with the idea of rejection. Then also think about the whole thing of would you rather have that person as "just a friend" and wish them well in other relationships, than risk not having them in your life at all if you don't get together? And would you be able to wish them well with other people? But seriously, one of the most hurtful things between two friends when one has feelings and the other doesn't, is once you've confronted the issue, the friend who isn't crushing on the other can be real cold and distant often times, trying not to lead the other on. I know you don't want to lead a person on if you aren't interested in them, but the best way to deal with that is to not change your friendship at all, just to say in a very clear and concise manner right off the bat that you don't like them that way. Then you try to avoid complementing them to much or hanging on them, but nothing else should change.

I'm not a relationship expert, and I'm not some guru on picking up chicks, I'm just a normal girl who knows what I do and don't like when a guy is hitting on me, and who's had a few crushes on really good friends before, and knows how much of a jerk a guy can be when he's your friend and is afraid of leading you on after he's already said he doesn't like you. But seriously, about the first part, the guys trying to pick chicks up, GET SOME CLASS!!!